One of the great things about being the parent of a toddler is you can
buy products with names such as “Butt Paste” without blushing when the
cashier gives you one of those looks.
Remove the baby from the equation, though, and I regress 25 years.
I become the equivalent of a teenage boy whose mom has sent him to the
store to buy a box of what the marketing majors, those masters of
inoffensive euphemism, describe as “feminine products.”
If I need, for instance, a salve to soothe the nether regions of my
body, well then I’m loitering in the magazine aisle and leafing through
“Four Wheeler” until I see a checkout with no customers and a clerk who
appears to be dozing.
And I’ll linger for hours if I have to, or at least until someone starts turning off the lights.
Even when the way is clear I’ll hide the ointment under a couple
one-pound bags of M&M’s and maybe a six-pack of Hamm’s. This is of
course a pathetic attempt to deflect the checker’s attention from the
true nature, and location, of the affliction which prompted my visit.
A famous visitor walked into my office the other day and he came right over and licked my hand.
I have so few famous visitors, and no previous one had ever licked me,
and so this incident, despite the saliva, made a routine day mildly
interesting for me.
My guest was Buster. He is the most heavily publicized English bulldog I know.
He’s also the only English bulldog I know.
This is not of course any fault of Buster’s, and I don’t believe my
inability to get acquainted with multiple bulldogs ought to diminish
Buster, as you might recall, was the subject of several headlines around here during late May and early June of 2007.
Buster’s owner, Forrest Keller of Vashon Island, Wash., rode to Baker City during a Memorial Day weekend motorcycle tour.
Unlike most motorcyclists, Keller doesn’t mind riding with a bulldog strapped on the gas tank.
Could I please read one story about Sarah Palin that does not describe her as either “gun-toting” or a “hockey mom” or both?
Thank you in advance, anonymous writer who eschews inane adjectives.
I mean adjectives.
Palin’s been all over TV these past two weeks and I’ve yet to see
the butt of a revolver protruding from her jacket, nor the telltale
bulge of a semi-automatic tucked into a shoulder holster.
Anyway it’s not as though reporters and pundits need to plunder a
thesaurus to uncover descriptions of Palin that are more relevant than
which weapons and which sports she prefers.
I don’t much care that she hunts, or that her kids play hockey.
Proficiency with firearms is not, after all, a prerequisite for the office she is seeking.
Not after Dick Cheney’s tenure, it’s not.
I’ve been making my own bread lately, in an effort to do more cooking
from scratch. Bread, however, requires kneading — a skill many don’t
need anymore thanks to the bread aisle.
The other day I was making dough, and dumped the gloopy mess on the counter to “knead until elastic, about 10 minutes.”
I set to it, molding the dough into a ball and then kneading with a
motion of fold, push, fold, push, then add more flour to keep it from
My mind wanders during repetitive tasks such as this, and I remembered
something from about five years ago when I took my first pottery class
at Crossroads Art Center.
Summer broke the other day and I went out walking in the damp dusk, sort of a lonely wake for the beloved season.
The wind had swung around to the northwest and it blew brisk and heavy
with the sharp sweet scent of mint almost ready for the harvest. A
versatile crop, mint — its oil adds the tang to both the chewing gum
which attacks our teeth and to the fluoride-laced paste which defends
our enamel against all manner of enemies.
In the field by the junior high a dozen or so kids, elementary age by
the look of them, scurried about, clad in helmets and full pads. The
shoulder pads, in particular, gave them ungainly and odd proportions —
the broad upper body of a mature weightlifter attached to the skinny
and short legs of the pre-adolescent.
Anyway it was pleasant to walk past and hear the inimitable clap of plastic pieces colliding.
Football, it seems to me, announces the imminence of autumn at least as reliably as the calendar.