We want control, but we also like to belong

Why? Why do they do it? What motivates people to assault innocent strangers, vandalize property, or abuse drugs?

It doesn’t make sense.

While certainly not rational on most levels, destructive and antisocial behaviors occur for a reason, or more accurately, a combination of reasons. 

And, in a twisted and oversimplified way, some of the causes are rooted in the same human needs that motivate people to play sports, join service organizations and get good grades.

Last week we looked at how basic survival needs can be harnessed to help motivate us to work toward our goals, and how they can just as easily interfere with our efforts.

This week we’ll examine some secondary or psychological needs that can be just as powerful in determining the level and direction of our motivation.

Three of the most recognized psychological needs are control (power), belonging (affiliation), and competence (being capable or valued). They can all provide motivation in either helpful and detrimental ways.

The toddler wants to go places and “do it myself.” The teenager wants to make decisions about friends and activities.  The elderly want to maintain their independence, and so on.

So how do we harness this drive to help ourselves and others? As parents and educators we can give choices within structure.

If we try to do all of the thinking for our kids, we rob them of the chance to learn and feel in control of (i.e. responsible for) their decisions and their consequences.

For example, youngsters can be great help in planning vacations or preparing for events. More often than not, they make very good choices. In fact when students help set up class rules, they are often much more strict than adults would be.

As we work with adults in our jobs or our homes, we need to acknowledge others’ need for power in their lives.  Leaders must avoid micromanaging because it limits others’ opportunity to produce creative and rewarding solutions. The ability to make decisions, or at least contribute to decisions, has a great impact on job satisfaction and productivity for many people. 

The elderly often feel their control being eroded by physical, mental, and interpersonal issues. To be motivated and productive, they need to make their own decisions as long as it is safe to do so. They may also need support from family and friends to help them exercise those choices. For example, transportation may be the missing ingredient that prevents them from choosing to be active and social.

Another need, belonging, is evident all around us.

We belong to families, clubs, churches, teams and social groups.  Very few people are truly loners. 

However, some drift into dangerous subcultures including gangs and extremist groups when they don’t find more appropriate destinations in society.

In schools, kids who feel isolated or rejected by their peers tend to avoid school and anything associated with it.

I’ve worked with teachers who simply accept this as an unpleasant reality and others who actively work to build relationships and establish a healthy social climate in their classrooms.

Both my reading and my experience tell me that there are effective methods to build school relationships.  Cooperative learning and team building activities can help students feel like valuable participants in their schools. Teachers who are good at using these tools find ways for every student to contribute to groups and to the class as a whole. The results are greater motivation, satisfaction, and learning.

Industrial leaders have learned the importance of providing affiliation in the work place. Many have shifted from assigning workers to repetitive, specialized tasks, and instead place them in teams where, together, they contribute ideas and skills to complete a project. Workers benefit when they are recognized and rewarded as a team.

Again, older citizens face some of the biggest challenges. As their social groups break down, they may feel tremendous isolation, especially when they must move to a new setting. 

Frequent visitors and social activities will help them feel motivated to be active and engaged in the world around them. Involvement of friends and family members can give seniors a reason to get up in the morning, get dressed and look forward to each day.

A third need is a sense of competence.

We generally like to do things we’re good at. When put in situations where we lack skills and confidence, people tend to exhibit avoidance, frustration or denial rather than motivation and enthusiasm.

An educational system with a narrow focus on linear, analytical and language-oriented thinking does not allow students with different learning styles to feel capable.

If they are to be motivated, learners with all types of intelligence and ways of learning must have opportunities to use their varied strengths. 

In the adult world, people tend to gravitate toward their strengths, and they have some choice as they enter a career.

However, there are no guarantees, and jobs don’t always provide the rewards and opportunities we’d like. It is important, then, for us to look for ways to use our strengths in our jobs and to learn new skills that will help us to feel competent.

Failing to learn and grow will hinder our ability to make work meaningful and rewarding. As managers and coworkers we can do a lot to help others feel competent.

We can teach and encourage them and help them find opportunities to apply their talents.

If managers only evaluate employees for purposes of documentation and discipline, their staffs will probably maintain a level of mediocrity at best.

However, if they look for strengths and provide ways to build on them, they can help each worker develop greater satisfaction and motivation.

 During our working years we also need to recognize that our jobs are only part of our lives.

In our families and other activities, we need to recognize the rich opportunities for achieving and demonstrating competence. Many people, for example, demonstrate great motivation, sometimes bordering on obsession, toward hobbies, sports and other avocations.  And for most parents there is nothing more rewarding than watching their children experience success.

Retirement can be a time of major adjustments as you establish new ways to meet your need for a sense of competence (not to mention control and belonging).

For some people this means starting a new job. Others devote their attention and energy to their families.  And others work in their communities, churches and organizations.  Many do all three.

But most important is that these people see themselves as capable, contributing members of society.

If you are concerned about your motivation or that of others around you, remember to take a look at personal needs.

Does the job or home situation provide opportunities for appropriate control, achievement, and a sense of belonging?

Especially if you supervise others, whether they are children or adults, it is vital that you allow them to participate in decisions, grow personally or professionally, and feel that they are important contributors to the family, business, or organization. 

Also, by allowing needs to be met in positive ways, we can avoid many of the negative behaviors that are also rooted in attempts to meet our needs.